Friday, January 30, 2009

Through the Fire and Flames.


The thunder cracked far behind the mountain, and the lightning strike was a bit closer than the prior. Being of small brain, Derrick dove into the pond, followed by Tegan. Maine had never given us much trouble with the weather, so when receiving one passing storm throughout the entire week, we really couldn't complain; the cool drops of water were a nice break from the smothering heat anyways. I stood along the shore with Callie on one side and Casey on the other, we watched as the two boys of fourteen, acted as if they were four. Maine always brings the kid out in all of us, even my father, who has been on the quad in the woods for hours. I’ve enjoyed coming up here since I was yet a child, and the familiar scene never seems to dull. The thunder boomed once more and as the gray sky became black, Shannon approached the water to join the three of us as the cool water hit our tanned faces; a cool zephyr brushed my hair out of my face.
Sammi, your mother just called, she said it was urgent, you might want to go and see what she wanted.” I didn’t react with fear. I knew my mother, and she probably just wanted to talk to me.
“Thanks, I’ll go call her.” I walked to the cabin, not in a hurry, the bright flash of lightning caught my eye and I jumped just a little. Laughing at myself, I entered the cabin and grabbed the nearest cell phone with the best reception. I dialed the many numbers slowly and as the phone began to ring I heard a sudden scream from where I was previously standing. Without thinking I dropped the phone and ran out through the path, back to the water where I was just standing. To my surprise the house across the street was in flames with a bevy of by-standers.
“The lightning hit it, and the house instantly caught fire. Sammi, what do we do?” by this time Tegan and Derrick had reached shore, afraid to step back in the water. A feeling of compunction ran through me.
“Well, is anyone inside the house?” I quickly asked. The nearest fire station was nearly twenty miles north, and no way would they make it in time. My aunt had made it to the street by now with her phone to her ear but she quickly found out that with the lack of reception, the fire station wasn’t even reachable. A faint cry for help came from the house, the fire was spreading.
“What do we do Aunt Carrie, we can’t just stand here!” I cried in fear of the people inside the house.
“Well you are certainly not going in there.” there was a long pause, “Well this is quiet a quagmire isn't it?” Suddenly a young girl, maybe the ages of five, looked out the window, her eyes showed only fear I could hear her lamenting over the large crowd of people. I could feel the heat from across the street; someone had to do something, and they had to do it quickly. The rain slowed down into something a little more than a drizzle, which wasn’t helping the cause. I heard another cry of thunder but it was far behind the mountains now. There were many more people watching now, and it took a young man, around twenty, to finally step up to go rescue the young girl and whoever else might be inside. The little girl appeared at the window once again. “Someone’s coming to get you, are you alright?” I asked in hope that the little girl would say yes. Tears were running down her face at this point and I was wondering what was going through her head. What if that was me inside the house, what would I be feeling? I don’t think I could have stayed in that house as long as the she was forced too. I would be wondering why the people outside were standing around and not helping me. As I thought to myself all these things, I put into perspective how young she was, if anything happened to this little girl, that I don’t even know, I would feel terrible, I didn’t even try to help her.
“Derrick!” I yelled. My aunt Carrie was making her way around looking for reception, so she was nowhere near. “We need to help her, but don’t tell any of the other kids, because they’ll tell your mom, please just keep this collusion.” The only reason I chose Derrick over Tegan was because Derrick is more adventurous, where as Tegan, we’ll he would have told dad, or chickened out, whichever came first. Derrick was very amicable about it and agreed instantly. The young man hadn’t made it out of the house yet, so I figured we’d find him inside.
Being of stealth precision, Derrick managed to get us around the back of the house. I figured there had to be more then the little girl inside and when Derrick suggested he would get anyone else, we split up.
The large escarpment caused a bit of trouble, but after climbing up the steep hill, I quickly clambered up the railing, which was covered in flora; I reached a balcony on the second floor. The fire was on other side of the house so I knew climbing would be the easy part. Once upon the balcony, to my luck, the sliding glass door was open. I walked into a cluttered bedroom filled with nothing but posters of numerous boy bands. I figured there was an older sister kept hostage by the grave fire as well.
“Hello, Hello, where are you, I’m here to help.” I could feel the heat with each step I took, and I could hear the weeping little girl; the fiery red flames divided us. Think, what can I do, I must get the little girl. Right then, through the door a little to the left of me, came the young man who had entered the building just a little before Derrick and I. “The little girl is in that room,” I pointed to the door just in front of me. “How do we get in?” without speaking the man charged at the door and instantly it broke into many pieces.
“I’ll go see who else is here,” was all the young man said. I nodded my head in awe of the shattered door, my next reaction was to think of Derrick. He’s fine; he’s a tough kid. i ran through the sheded door and quickly grabbed the little girl; her face covered in tears.
“You’re okay. I’m going to get you out of here, okay?” I said trying to distract her. I picked her up. “What’s your name?” I asked trying to not sound scared enough for both of us.
“Nicole,” The little girl attempted to say. I made it back through the doorway with Nicole on my hip. The feeble, young girl was holdin on with all of her might. I was headed for the balcony when I heard a loud crack and a familiar scream.
“Derrick!” I screamed. I put Nicole on the ground, “stay here.” I ran to where I heard Derrick. “Derrick where are you? Derrick?”
“I’m right here. Help get this off of my leg.” I quickly noticed that a piece of wood from the ceiling had broken off and was now on Derrick’s leg, “It’s really heavy help.”
As I reached down to help Derrick, questions rambled out of my mouth. “What am I going to tell Aunt Carrie? Derrick your mom is going to kill me. I’m so sorry, if it’s broken, I don’t think I can forgive myself. I’m so sorry.” Derrick chuckled.
“It’s not broken.” We lifted the piece of the ceiling off of his leg and he easily got up, “See, I’m fine, I'll have a small contusion, now go get that little girl, I’ll meet you outside in the street.” We both ran in opposite directions and I grabbed Nicole who was viciously crying, I could see the fire had progressed because I couldn’t even see the door that I grabbed Nicole out of. Nicole was petrified so I began asking more questions as I made it to the balcony.
“Who was home with you?”
“My mommy was here, and my sister too, but Hailey left before the house got hot.” Deftly, I jumped over the balcony holding on fiercely yet benignly, to Nicole, trying to not hurt her. Attempting to distract the young girl, I rolled out more questions.
“Where was your mom?”
“I think she was in the kitchen making me a bologna sandwich.” When our feet hit the ground a smile spread across Nicole’s face, she ran out to the street and I followed. My aunt was standing there waiting for me.
“What is wrong with you? You could have hurt yourself! Where’s Derrick?”
“He’s coming, I just say him he went to go find Nicole’s mom.”
“How could you let him go in there? Why did you go in there? What if Derrick gets hurt?”
“He won’t, he’s a smart boy.” I tried to make it sound as though I wasn't trying to assure myself. Just then I saw Derrick followed by a woman and the young man running towards us. Aunt Carrie ran to Derrick and Nicole ran to her mom.
“She was looking for Nicole; she was trying to find ways to make it to her room.” Derrick said answering my next question. Shannon ran up and gave me a big hug, followed by Callie, Casey, and Tegan.
“Don’t ever do that again!” said Callie, “Even though that was really cool!”
“Don’t worry I won’t. I just felt so bad when no one went to help her”
“Well that man did,” replied Casey.
Yeah, after no one else would.” I quickly snapped.
“I guess, just don’t do it again!’
We all heard the sound of the quad roaring down the street, what was left of the house was still in flames, but that wasn’t much.
“What happened here?” my dad asked. We all laughed at one time, my dad gave us a puzzled look.
“I got to go call my mom.” I said remembering what I was firstly doing. As I turned to walk away I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.
“Thanks you so much I don’t think I can repay you for what you and your cousin just did for me, and my daughter. You saved her life, thank you so much.”
“You’re so welcome, but you really should thank my cousin, he really helped me get in.” The woman smiled at me and then went to speak with Derrick. I walked down the path once more to the cabin. I picked up the phone, dialed the many numbers, and listened to the ring until my mother answered the phone.

10 comments:

Shane said...

1) i wold like to have the reader see how the different characters have different personality. also that the theme is helping others.

2) what worked best in this piece was the setting, i think it sounded realistic. it was easiest to right about going through the fire because i could imagine it well.

3) i forgot to put my vocab. words in so that didn't work to well. it was hard to write about how people felt, becasue i don't know how to express different emotions.

4)i would like feedback about the the overall story, if it sounds real. i would like to know how to fix it in any way.

Julia said...

1.)The conflict of the story was both internal and external. The external being the fact that a little girl was trapped in a fire, and the internal conflict was when Sammi was deciding whether or not to go inside and get the little girl. She didn't want to worry he family, but she didn't want to just stand outside and not do anything. The resolution was also good. It was also dramatic. If you want to make it more dramatic, than you could of had Derrick break his leg, or even die to make it really, really dramatic. (:
2.)The main character Sammi, definitely changes over time. In the beginning of the story she seems like this easy going girl, that clearly loves her family. But as the story progresses, she stops thinking about them and about this little girl Nicole, and getting her out of the fire.
3.)My favorite part of the story was the beginning description of the setting. My favorite line was,"Maine had never given us much trouble with the weather, so when receiving one passing storm through out the entire week, we really couldn't complain; the cool drops of water were a nice break from the smothering heat anyways." It is very descriptive, and since I have been to Maine, I found it very easy to relate to. I also like the use of personification, pretending that Maine isn't just a state, but like a human being.
4.)I thought the dialog of the story was absolutely great. It was so real, and was something that I would say or think about, if I had been in Sammi's situation. I thought that with such good dialog, it made the story seem so much more real.
5.)The theme or message of this story wasn't entirely clear, but I know what the author is trying to say. I can see what the author means by helping other in times of need, along with being brave and taking a chance. It kind of has a hidden meaning almost.
6.)I think the only thing the author should do is re-read the story out loud to see if it flows smoothly. It has a couple of spelling errors like say when it should be saw. But other than that, awesome job Shaneyyyy (:

Jenny said...

The conflict is Sammi wondering how to get the little girl out of the fire. This is internal and external. The resolution is when they get the little girl out. I was invested in the resolution because I really wanted the girl to be okay. Maybe you could add something traumatic that happens like someone hurting themselves or something like that.
The main character changes over time by in the beginning she was an average teenager and as the story goes on she starts to care about the little girl and how to get her out of the fire. This change is important to the story because it shows how people grow up and change, and it also continues the story.
My favorite part of the story is the exposition; “The thunder cracked far behind the mountain, and the lightning strike was a bit closer then the prior.” I like this line because it gives a good description.
The tale’s best quality is probably the story arch because it leaves the reader what will happen next.
The story’s theme is to help others who need it. In the beginning you don’t really realize it but as the story progresses you see the message.
The main thing that you need to do is proof- read your story as I saw a few errors and some parts don’t flow that well.

betty said...

The conflict of the story was that the house in sammis neighborhood was on fire and no one could save the people in side, because the fire station was far away. it was an external conflict because Sammi and her brother chose to go into the hosue and save the family, but internal as well because they had to choose if this was safe, or if their aunt would get mad at them . It was resolved when they saved the mother and daughter. The conflict was gripping and very engaging, and also well written. One thing to make the conflict more dramatic is to make the fact that their aunt is mad at them a little less prominent than it is because it is not as relevant to the story, and takes away from the fire scene.
The main character changes over the course of the story because she becomes more brave, although the difference isnt too prominent because we didnt know how brave she was before, so i think you should add that contrast. She makes a decision to go inside the house and save the day, because no one else would. It is very important to the story because if no one went into the house, then the story wouldnt be as dramatic, and we would just watch it burn to flames. We also learn a lot more about the characters and the fire in the house.
my favorite part of the story is when Sammi and her brother go into the house, because i can picture being there and frantic about what to do and where to go. I like the line "Being of stealth precision, Derrick managed to get us around the back of the house. I figured there had to be more then the little girl inside and when Derrick suggested get anyone else, we split up." because it showed their organization and pursuit to savet he say, and also used good word choice.
I think the tales best quality was the conflict development, because i could not take my eyes of the page once i started reading. It was fast paced and never slowed down, but also had the perfect amount of description.
I think the storys theme is that anyone can be a hero. Shane plants the theme when Sammi and Derikk decide to go into the house, and are determined to save the little girl. Or, even before that when they see the girl in the window.
The main thing i would revise was is in the begining, i was a little confused about what was happening and who the characters were, so i think you should clarify that. Also, i think you should show the characters emotions inside the house more than you already do to mae the story more dramatic.
great job shane!

Brittany said...

HEY SHANEY BO BANEYY. :)

1) The conflict of the story i think was mainly external, since the fire being a natural occurrence. Like Julia said though, I think there was an internal problem with Sammi deciding to venture in to save the little girl. It was resolved by Sammi going and saving the girl, with Derrick traveling along, but injuring his leg. It was pretty dramatic, and it kept you on the edge of your seat.
2)I dont really think Sammi changes too much,other than the fact that she appreciates life more. Since she could've died.
3)When Sammi was in the fire. I think this was the climax. "I could feel the heat with each step I took. I could hear the weeping little girl. The fiery red flames divided us." This gave me a really good visual, i liked that a lot.
4)The dialogue is very life-like and believable. it sounds like they are really talking. If i was in Sammi's shoes i think i would say the same things.
5) the theme isnt really easy to say but i think that shane is just saying that people should always help others and not think of themselves first.
6) I think your story is great shane! just check your spelling! :D!

Marissa said...

Hey Shane!

The conflict of the story was that there was a fire in the next house and a little girl was trapped inside with her mom, and Sammi wanted to go in and save her. This was and external conflict. It was resolved by Sammi and his cousin Derrek going into the house and saving them. I personally think that the story was dramatic enough, someone could die in the fire. Like this little girl! But that would be really sad so if you make someone die make it like the mom or someone else.
Sammi changes over time because at first he is just staying back and kind of watching the house catch on fire, but in the end he knew he had to do something about it. If he hadn't changed in this way, the story would have been different because someone could have died, like the little girl. :(
My favorite part of the story was when they were saving all of the people because I thought it was really cool how they knew they might get hurt but they were willing to risk it. I liked the quote "without speaking the man charged at the door and instantly is broke into many pieces." I liked this quote because Sammi was just like how do we get in there and the guy was like BAM! like it was no big deal to break down a door.
The stories best quality was the authors use of detail. I loved how everything flowed together and made sense because of how she described it.
I think the stories theme is that if you think something is right then you should go do it (unless you think like killing someone is right, yeah don't do that). This is shown in the story by Sammi wanting to go save the girl, but his aunt said no, but he thought it was the best thing to do, so he did it.
The main thing that the author should revise is some spelling and grammar mistakes, like adding an "s" or saying "say" instead of "saw". Otherwise the story was amazing!
Yeah Shane!

Marissa said...

oh wait i just realized that sammi was a girl because all of the other comments say she. oops!

Allyson said...

I believe that there are two conflicts. One is internal and one is external. The external conflict is that the girl and her mother are trapped in the burining house and the internal conflict was if Sammi should go in or not. They were both resolved by Sammi saving the little girl.
At the begining, Sammi wasn't sure if she should go in or not. When she saw that no one was going in, she went inside. She gets more coragious throughout the story.
My favorite part of the story was in the rising action when they first got inside of the house. I could really picture it well.
I liked this line "I could feel the heat from across the street, and someone had to do something, and they had to do it quick." I think that this the point that she chose to go into the house.
I think that the story's best quality was the description of the setting. I felt like I was there when I read it.
The theme of this story is to help people when they are in need and to step up when no one else is.
The story is great. I would suggest doing some proff reading, though. There are a few misspellings. I think that the ending should be just a little bit longer.

Shane said...

1.)zephyr: noun ; gentel breeze ; when Sammi and her cousins were standing on the beach, a cool zephyr brushed the hair out of Sammi's face.

2.)bevy: noun ; a large group or collection ; there was a bevy of epople outside when the house caught fire. they were all just standing around and this made Sammi upset.

3.)compunction: noun ; a feeling of uneasyness ; when Sammi made it back to the street and say the little girl looking out the window of the flamin house, she had a feeling of cumpunction.

4.)quagmire: noun ; a difficult situation. Sammi's aunt carrie was using it to express the situation of hasving no help with the burnin house.

5.)lamenting: verb ; to cry ; the little girl was lamenting becasue she was scared when she was trapped in the house by the fire.

6.)collusion: noun ; secret agreement. Sammi made Derrick promise not to tell anyone that they were going into the house becasue her aunt had jsut said not too.

7.)amicable: adjective ; friendly or agreeable ; Derrick agreed to going into the house instently and promised to keep it a secret.

8.)escarpment: noun ; a steep slope ; there was a big slope when Sammi was trying to get to the house and she had to climb up it.

9.)flora: noun ; plants ; when Sammi climbed up the railing to get into hte house, it was covered in plants and weeds.

10.)grave: adjective ; danger, harm, or serious ; the grave fire was keeping everyone in the house captive.

11.)feeble: adjective ; weak or frail ; the little girl was feeble becasue she was so young.

12.)contusion: when part of the ceiling fell on top of Derrick, Sammi thought he broke his leg, but Derrick confirmed that he only had a contusion.

13.)deftly: adverb ; wiht skill and ability ; when Sammi was making it back down the railing wiht Nicole in one of her arms, she deftly jumped to the ground wihtout hurting nicole.

14.)benignly: adjective ; gentle or favorite ; sammi picked up Nicole to get her out of the house, she wanted to hold her tightly, but she didn't want to hurt her so she held her benignly.

Shane said...

1.)the greatest change that i made was the exposition, i added a lot and took out a lot.

2.)i found the comments most helpful becasue many people read it instead of having only one person looking at it.

3.)my storiesgreatest strength in the descriptivness. i think that i described teh setting and conflict really well.

4.)to next years student, i would say to make a good conflict that they can base their story around, it makes it all the more eaiser.